Gazette photographer STEWART CHAMBERS received such high-praise for his ‘nicknames’ article a few weeks back that we’ve decided to let his creative juices run freely again. This time Stewie joins forces with Sports Editor DAVE NAGEL for a fictional day at the West Gippsland football…written in rhyming slang of course!
We’ve included some of the traditional old classics, but included a local flavour as well. Hopefully you all enjoy…
Saturday, it’s got to be the best day of the Johnny Leek (week)!
The footy and netty are already underway at Errol Flynn (Cora Lynn) so I drive the near and far (car) up to the Mike Pence (fence) and park next to a tin lid (kid) who doesn’t look old enough to be on his Tina Turner’s (learners).
The parent in the passenger seat has some serious stickers on their Warwick Farms (arms) and I’m thinking why isn’t he wearing a jumper, there’s a bit of a Robbie Hill (chill) in the air.
I spot our sports editor Breakfast Bagel (Dave Nagel) talking to Warragul Industrial’s veteran Red Rooster (Shane Brewster).
“Good afternoon Dave”, I say, as Shane heads off to the sheds to get ready for the game at the Cobradome.
“G’day Stewie, it’s a bit Mork and Mindy (windy) mate with a chance of a David Gower (shower), or it could really set in for some heavy David Main (rain).”
“It sure is a bit Kirribilli (chilly) Dave, glad I put on this warm Anthony McDonald Tipungwuti! (hoodie)”
“I’m heading to the canteen Stewie, I’m going to get some Cooper Shipp’s (chips) and a bag of Will Jolley’s (lollies), and I might get a roll. Apparently, a Trent Armour (farmer) from up the road has donated some Thomas Hams (lambs) so I might get one of them in my Steve Robb (gob).
“It’s not a bad Jeb McLeod (crowd) so I might be a while and I’ll grab some Darcy Atkins (napkins) while I’m there.
“There’s also a special on Brendan Hermann (German) snags, but they cost a pretty Matt Rennie (penny) I think. And they do get stuck in your Jye Keath (teeth).
“Do you want anything while I’m there Stewie?”
“I think I might go a dog’s eye (pie) and dead horse (sauce) and whack that in the north and south (mouth) and taste it on my Anthony Young (tongue) as it rolls down the motor boat (throat).
“I might have a Justin Langer (sanger) and a Chelsea Roffey (coffee) too thanks mate.”
“That’s a lot Stew, you’re making the canteen ladies Dylan and Ryan Quirk (work), and if you keep eating that much mate, you’ll end up an Eamon Trigg (big) Trent Noy (boy) with a large Jordan Kelly (belly).
“And I know the lady at the canteen, I Blake Grewar (knew her) at school and we used to have a bit of Anthony Bruhn (fun) together…if you know what I Andrew Dean (mean).
“We ended up having a Michael Whyte (fight), which is still an Anthony Burr (blur), but it’s her Nathan Voss (loss) not mine.”
“Anyway Stewie, it’s my Brussel sprout (shout).”
As the siren goes for the end of the reserves game, TD (Terry Dillon) heads up the apple and pears (stairs) to the time keeper’s box for a butcher’s hook (look).
Lachlan Carr lets go a big torp that bangs into the Sunday roast (post) at the end of the Mr Magoo’s (twos) match. A London fog (dog) chases the ball and is about to get in Barney Rubble (trouble) for knocking over the owner’s young bricks and mortar (daughter).
“The ground here looks in good nick Dave, better than my Goldie Hawn (lawn) at home!”
“And Dave, I could be off the air this arvo. I forgot to put the dog and bone (phone) on the Usman Khawaja (charger) last night. I had a few Anna Meares (beers). I wasn’t Gorillas in the Mist (pissed) but just totally forgot to recharge it.”
“That’s alright Stew, there’s one over there on the Brendan Kimber (timber), but be careful it’s slippery, I don’t want you ending up on Archie Whitta (Twitter). I know you’re still Beau and Zak Vernon (learnin) about that stuff.”
The Dusties’ players warm up for the big one.
Jackson ‘Pick Pocket’ (Mockett) is looking sharp and drills the ball low and hard to Darren ‘Away In A Manger’ (Granger) who is taking some good Ryan Sparkes (marks).
“Dave, I reckon the conditions today will suit good ball users like Brent ‘Blue’s Clues’ (Hughes) or Island’s Jaymie ‘snooker and pool’ (Youle).
“You’re on the money Stew, and I reckon Jaxon ‘Beer and Cigs’ (Briggs) will have a say in this game, but the Dusties won’t throw in the Matty Howell (towel). They’re up for this one and we might be in for a Tim Miller (thriller).
“And this might be a bit Ned Marsh (harsh), but if the Dusties win this one it might be a bit of a Wayne Luke (fluke).”
The umpire holds the ball aloft and nearly blows the pea out of his Scottish Thistle (whistle)…hopefully he doesn’t cop any Hayden Bruce (abuse) today!
The game is a good contest early. I snap away with the camera and get a few good Quasimodo’s (photos).
Dave says he’s got a Lady Godiva (fiver) on a horse at Flemington and I think about putting an Oxford Scholar (dollar) on each way. At quarter time I photograph some netty. The Cobras are getting a few goals through Gemma ‘Cagney and Lacey’ (Stacey).
“I will grab a Humphrey Bear (chair) at half time in the social rooms Dave and catch up on the Past Players’ Day, it will be great for an article in the Scotty Draper (paper) on Wednesday.
“I don’t think I need a bag of fruit (suit), it’s pretty casual and I might sneak in a Richard Gere (beer).
“I’m heading to the Goon soon at half time Davo, Giant’s ‘skin and blisters’ (sisters) Kimmo and Tarli Hillberg up against Hollie Keysers and the crew. I think Korumburra’s Goal Shooter Chloe ‘Meg and Mog’ (Hogg) will get a few through the net.”
“I will probably go to Tooradin to see a bit of their game against Phillip Island, Stew. It should be a Golden Slipper (ripper)!
’I’ll see you there Dave!’, and I hit the frog and toad (road).