Kiss Bang Love
Channel Seven, Tuesdays, 8.30pm
SECRET Service agents take a bullet so the president doesn’t have to; soldiers charge machine-gun nests so that we don’t have to.
And I’ve watched this piece of crap – so you don’t have to.
Picture Channel Seven’s dilemma – how do you follow up Seven-year Switch – as nasty a piece of exploitative television as ever floated down the sewer?
Kiss Bang Love – the answer produced by Seven’s backroom boffins – is the extraordinary solution to a problem that doesn’t exist.
Seven posed the existential question: can you find true love by randomly pashing a dozen blokes – but rather than visiting the nearest over-28s nightclub, they’ve made a show about it.
Enter Lisa, a lovely young lass who’s up for a bit of random smooching – emphasis on random.
Lisa is in hospitality, which she says means she basically gets paid to talk to people, if by “talking to people“ you mean “pouring beers“.
Anyhoo, Lisa puckers up for a diverse and varied selection of blokes in extremely cringeworthy and voyeuristic scenes.
But the “people” at Seven have gone further … adding a commentary bench comprised of Lisa’s best friend and sister (I swear I’m not making this up).
How Lisa’s mum and/or dad got left out of the equation is beyond me, but maybe that’s next week. I dare not ask about her brother.
“He gave it a red-hot go,“ the friend opines of one kisser.
Oh. My God.
Initial, blindfolded kissing leads to a short-list of semi-finalist kissers who can then see the kissee, and vice-versa. They get to tongue-wrestle for the title, but thankfully not with each other.
This culminates in the two grand finalists being met at the airport by Lisa. One will wing away to Noosa, while the lesser of the two kissers is sent back to Blue Light Disco level to begin again.
Lisa picks two tradies: himbo Ryan and scared weird little guy Jaxon.
Jaxon takes the long walk of shame down wash-out lane, while Ryan boards a flight for Noosa, hampered by the fact that he’s never heard of Noosa and doesn’t know where it is (hope his papers are in order).
So with the kissing covered, I guess we move on to the banging and the loving. So … was there any romance, Dexter?
As usual, the stock in trade is to hint very strongly that there was, but I guess we’ll never know.
So if we’re about truth in advertising, some slight amendments need to be made to the show’s title.
Watch next season for the new eps of “Kiss Maybe Fail”.
– Jason Beck
